i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
At least we don't have one night stands
True that. We sink our claws in our men.
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
I would rather suck a dick or two than go there
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
Randomize
