I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
do you have any idea how expensive it is to have the munchies at Disneyland?
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
It seems like every guy I've hooked up with all end up hanging out together, its like a cult.
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
Is 6 weeks really a benchmark now?
Ask me in 6 more weeks, when they're in a bisexual polycule.
Randomize
