We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
so I think I'm done having sex with her, she's way too crazy
what about the blowjobs for adderall?
no those are still okay
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
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