i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
i need some magic done to my vagina
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
I touched a dick in church today
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
Randomize
