I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
i love my job...i have craft hour at my desk w twizzlers
can u grab me a application
It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
how do do this?
do what? Keep standing? Choose between 2 guys?
keep making boys cry?
Randomize
