Slut skills are useful in every country.
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
All I need is the Internet and a place to drink.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
Randomize
