While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
You actually went to class. Im eating dry cereal naked and watching bring it on.
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
Randomize
