Whod you bang
he thinks he's going to hurt your feelings
He can't hurt my feelings
I don't have feelings.
haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
