So drunk its hurt
i'm lost and i look like a hooker
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
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