can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
So her ex boyfriend came up a lot in conversation while I was fucking her. Is that weird?
Who the fuck has a conversation during sex?
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
Randomize
