so ur a construction worker, male escort, sex god and surfer? lol
well its been awhile since I've surfed
dude this 15 year old girl saw our youtube vid and just facebook messaged me saying i was verry verry pretty. i have no schemas for how to respond to this situation.
woah 15?
i know! what is this dateline?
Girls night always turns into let's seperate and get laid night.
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
Randomize
