Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
Then pass out next to me, I'll be under a pong table or a park bench. Really depends on the weather during Mifflin
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
