i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
Is it bad that when my prof gave examples of "stalking" behavior, I either have done or would do most of them?
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Randomize
