I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
Randomize
