She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
Randomize
