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say what?
wanna hang out?
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ok, stay where you are, be there soon
You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
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