I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
Im not gonna remember this tomorrow but the real money is in coke i wanna get a dark wood desk and cell coke then i can own taco bell and the xxl chalupa will be mine
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
The important thing is that she is gone, presumably back to the depths of hell from whence she came.
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
Randomize
