It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
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you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I have bruises from doing the splits on the poles, if that doesn't scream bourbon street regret then I don't know what does
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
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