my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
I just don't understand what you plan on accomplishing there except for losing all vestiges of post-freshman year dignity
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
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