I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
Randomize
