my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
Spencer Pratt, I WILL beat the shit out of you someday, I Promise
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
See I am maturing. I just got in from my DRIVE of shame......
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
Randomize
