Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
He was gone when I woke up. But he left skid marks on my sheets and our unopened bottle of Titos is missing
New Rule: No more sleepovers with guys we met on Reddit
Randomize
