believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
Ok Ghana you win again. Tell you what...Double or nothing over women's tennis, basketball, hockey, war, baseball, golf, swimming, diving, oil spills, box office proceeds, internet porn sites, criminals incarcerated, women's downhill, bass fishing, NASCAR, or GDP?
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
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