My nipple is on Facebook.
I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
I had to cum in my sink.
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