She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
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