sitting in the bathroom telling some girl to keep puking or she will die. while holding a beer. nursing school rocks.
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
Would you wanna look up as you cum and for a split-second see your dad?
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
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