I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
She woke up 3 seperate times, each time she had a look of pure terror on her face, she had no clue where she was.
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
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Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
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Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
Just woke up in my fuck buddies bed with, from the looks of her ass and side boob, a girl that is not my fuck buddy. This should be interesting
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
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