just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
I think the pivotal moment was when we used the see and say as a drinking game with shots of whiskey. It was all downhill after that.
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
Randomize
