I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
it's to the point where working 2 jobs this summer will absolutely not cover how much i will spend on alcohol next semester.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
i gave head in a cab last night. get on my level.
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
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