never. drinking. again.
lets not get ahead of ourselves.
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
Randomize
