saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
Randomize