Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
just threw up in the bus full of other international students just outside of boulder, just keeping the aussie reputation alive
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
Randomize
