At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
Studying for the exam.. Identifying the portraits using phrases like "large penis"
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
I'm celebrating tres de junio so if you can help me find some sombreros ill be grateful. Also, today in 1992 Aborigines were granted rights to their land so I might need some boomerangs.
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
Dude your life.. At your sugar daddies house sending nudes to your fwb
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
Randomize
