I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
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