when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
He got tattooed, peirced, and we're pretty sure he got rufeed by that fat chick. He was like a walking spring break stereotype.
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
What goes on in that head of yours?
Gay sex, for the most part. Why?
It's meant to be, Cynthia. You, him, and your developed breasts are meant for each other.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
We were walking to the bar with a group of people and literally made 4 stops in people's lawns garages or random walls for him to eat me out
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
