Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
Just high enough for therapy.
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
Randomize
