True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
Randomize
