can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
Recliner chair sex has moments of worry....just don't.
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
