NEED BACKUP we are in the kitchen arguing about who would win in fight against lil Wayne and snoop dog
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
She's NOT homeless...she graduated early.
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
She made me pour olive oil on her.
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Randomize
