420 ftw
I cant video chat with you tonight, my parents are home
r u implying that im some kind of v-chat prostitution whore?
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
Gooodnight my beautiful sex angel. Much luvz for joo, etceteraz
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
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