I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
Nothing but goodness could come from two friends getting naked. Think of all the good advice and other things we could give to each other.
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
Randomize
