I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
Ccatlin cimbing thru th sunroof plz come
Randomize
