Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
Am I undercharging for one hour of sex per essay? I need a serious business answer.
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
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