I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
how much land on farmville do you have now? i sold all my shit to make room i need more money... these animals need to know I'm running a business not a charity.
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
dude can you explain to me why i woke up on your sisters floor with moutain dew and chips everywhere
i dont know im at your house.
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
