i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
Ill go to bed but tamed sharks isnt so much of a bad idea. Not for riding
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
walk of shamed to graduation. ending college with a bang....
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
Randomize
