Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
How much cunt could a cunt bag punch if a cunt bag could punch cunt?
you win again, gameday.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
hahahaha classic. this is why you are going to a college with a hospital right next to it
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
Randomize
