I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
Randomize
