Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
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