I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
I don't know what's worse the the fact he has worn a protective cup for last 3 years in fear of being kicked in the balls. Or the fact that the one day he decides to throw caution to the wind and doesn't wear it and actually gets kicked in the balls.
Who in tha hell do u hang out with?
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
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