i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
I had total buyers remorse when i finally got him naked. All that effort for a dude that hairy? Come on.
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
So one buddy got tackled at the urinals by national guard members and was arrested. Another had sex in a port o potty with possibly the drunkest girl I've ever encountered. The rest of us blacked out and won a few bets. So yes, the derby did meet our expectations.
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
screw it, I'll just be a stripper until next August when then are looking for suitable teachers to teach the future of America. it's like a feel good movie just a little out of order and im a dude.
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
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