my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
No, veal is cruel because they chain them down, I'm talking about free range human babys here.
They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
Randomize
