I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
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