I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
how does a 20 year old who hasnt gone through puberty yet score the game winning goal? fuck sidney crosby and his small nuts.
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
well the night couldnt get much worse after she peed all over herself and the sidewalk.
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
i just took a huge shit in old main. i think my college bucketlist is finished.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
