U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
