I just didn't expect you to be so naked....
he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
Randomize
