Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
At least we don't have one night stands
True that. We sink our claws in our men.
No, I'm a firm believer in "Swallow or it isn't love."
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
idk what id do withouhrh yoy btro
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
Haga you didnt jbsii whee wu an therer
Party on wayne
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Randomize
