someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
Tell her she can't have a vagina
He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
I cannot even describe to you the most amazing ass I have ever had the pleasure of seeing walk up the stairs in front of me just now.
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
Randomize
