my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
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