She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
The old guy next door tried to get me to go to his apartment for shots formoonshine. =-0
If that weren't so sketchy I would encourage it
Yeah it was almost as sketchy as a white panel van pulling up offering candy
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
Randomize